ON THE NIGHT YOU WERE BORN

One of my favorite grabs to read with H. I think the message shared in this book is more than beautiful, it is vital. Teaching children growing up in this harsh world; that they are special, one of a kind and brave. Will hopefully teach them to be strong enough not to fall into the traps of conformity or other false pretenses society tries to normalize. That they may feel of God's love and have a desire to do his will. This is my goal, anyway. As I have read this to him, these words have brought a warm feeling to my adult soul as well. You'll want a copy in your home & one to give with every baby gift you deliver.

On The Night You Were Born

by: Nancy Tillman

On the night you were born,

the moon smiled with such wonder

that the stars peeked in to see you and the night wind whispered,

"Life will never be the same."

Because there had never been anyone like you...

ever in the world.

So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain

that they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.

It sailed through the farmland

high on the breeze...

Over the ocean...

And through the trees...

Until everyone heard it

and everyone knew

of the one and only ever you.

Not once had there been such eyes,

such a nose,

such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.

When the polar bears heard,

they danced until dawn.

From faraway places,

the geese flew home.

The moon stayed up until

morning next day.

And none of the ladybugs flew away.

So whenever you doubt just how special you are

and you wonder who loves you, how much and how far,

listen for geese honking high in the sky.

(They're singing a song to remember you by.)

Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo.

(It's because they've been dancing all night for you!)

Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind.

(Listen closely...it's whispering your name again!)

If the moon stays up until morning one day,

or a ladybug lands and decides to stay,

or a little bird sits at your window awhile,

it's because they're all hoping to see you smile...

For never before in the story or rhyme

(not even once upon a time)

has the world ever known a you, my friend,

and it never will, not ever again...

Heaven blew every trumpet

and played every horn

on the wonderful, marvelous

night you were born.

Hawke Kai

photo by: Alanna Story

HALLOWEEN 2016

It's 10:00pm on November 7 in Arizona, temperature outside: 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Moving to a new state has been so different for me, luckily the state of Arizona is pretty consistent, weather wise, so it hasn't been too much of an adjustment. Growing up in Utah (25.5 years), I remember being so bummed on Halloween - because it was so cold. You would need to wear a coat to go trick-or-treating but then people couldn't see our costumes. I remember years being so upset that I shed tears over my unseen, cool costume. (Oh, to be a kid and have those kinds of worries again!)

We had so much fun with our festivities throughout the month. We loved taking Hawke out this year. He almost understood the celebrating and trick-or-treating. H would go up to the door, grab a candy, then place it in his pumpkin bucket. He'd then proceed to the other kids buckets and try to grab candy to put into his. We had a good laugh.

exhale during the ordinary

Aug 22 - September 27

Five weeks, one day. I've been in the hospital. Yes, I was out for three days at some point in there, but it all seems a blur. I am grateful to be physically better, but I am more excited to go home and start some emotional healing. It is hard being away. It is hard on a marriage. It is hard on a child. It is hard on my mental well being. I can't wait to go back to "ordinary".

"Life is amazing. And then its awful.

And then it's amazing again.

And inbetween the amazing and the awful, it's ordinary and mundane and routine.

Breathe in the amazing,

hold on through the awful,

and relax and exhale during the ordinary.

That's just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful ordinary life.

And it's breathtakingly beautiful.

-L.R. Knost

I was readmitted three days after my last hospital stay to the Intensive Care Unit at the U of U hospital. I had taken a quick turn for the worst and presented with new symptoms. Severe body pain - muscle pain, joint pain, bone pain. Nausea, 103.9 fever, chills - so intense my sister had to physically wrap herself around me and hold me so they could draw blood. I've been poked 21 times in the last 18 days, one arterial line, two IV's, one midline, and one Internal Jugular line. It turns out the Epstein-Barr Virus attacked and jumped to my bone marrow (que the bone pain). It dropped my blood pressure to 95/35 (120/80 normal blood pressure) & my white blood cell count to 0.49 (10,000 normal count). Yes, 0.49 it completely and utterly wiped out my entire immune system.

I've used a bed pan, been bathed by strangers, gained and lost 23 pounds of fluid weight and atrophy of my muscles. I've been so scared, so exhausted, and so grateful.

My family and I have been completely blessed throughout this entire process. Our Arizona friends and family taking care of my husband. Inviting him over to play with their babies and making him a "sack lunch" on his first day back to school - they took direct instructions on how I would prepare his sandwich, just so it might feel like we were there with him. Keeping his fridge/pantry stocked so he didn't feel lost without food.

To our neighbors, ward and family members who babysat and cared for Hawke as I would, the last 37 days. Making sure he felt complete love and happiness. Oh, how I can't thank you enough! These generous people also cared for my siblings, and I. 30+ meals were delivered to them or I, and 10 special acts of service (besides watching Hawke) were provided to lighten the load and burden on their shoulders. Oh, how I am grateful.

This post wouldn't be complete without thanking my Uncle who came and cared for me many days and nights as I was struggling with fear and worry. And my dear Mother-in-Law who has been in Utah the same amount of days as I have been in the hospital. Hurrying here to care for me and be by my side each and every day (multiple nights as well). I have felt tremendous love. There's just something about having a mother figure around that brings peace and calming feelings. She deserves a paycheck just as big as the nurses and aides combined for all the work she did and help she provided me instead of pressing the "call light" for their assistance. 

'shampoo cap' hair wash

I graduated from Physical Therapy this last week (meaning I can walk on my own without oxygen and a stable blood pressure/hear rate). Yesterday the girl that came in to see me exclaimed, "Wow! look at you! You are doing so much better, you look so great!" "You may not remember me (I don't). I was your PT when you were in the ICU. That first day when we were able to get you to sit on the side of the bed and then stand, for just a few moments. I am so glad I got to see you again and how well you are doing!" Hearing these words gave me much hope. Hearing her gratitude reminded me that I needed to have more gratitude in how much my body has healed in really a quick amount of time.

 I still have the EBV virus running through my body, I am still tired, I am scared to go home and resume the responsibilities that come with a house and a baby. I have doubts about myself. I know I need patience as my body continues to heal, but being reminded by that PT about truly how far I've come, helped me to gain perspective and confidence that I can do hard things.