AN UNCONVENTIONAL VALENTINES STORY

"I'm literally giving you my heart this Valentine's Day" I say to Ric as I show him the Dixie cup slowly filling up with my blood; hemoptysis. I wish I was that witty, in a moment like that. Truth is, whenever I see the bright rouge color the world pauses. Anytime, you see that in Hollywood - it's the foreshadowing of the death of the character. I know in that moment I'm not dying, it's not the first time this has happened to me and it's not "uncommon" in Cystic Fibrosis. Our lungs are consistently deteriorating. But I also understand, I wouldn't be the first person to die from a bleed.

The same rush of emotions you'd expect if that happened to you; occur in my body. In my brain. Panic, fear, shock, doom.  I still feel them, no matter how many times it' been. 

"Okay...'bring yourself back to reality...I am here. I am breathing. I am alive. My family is here. We are safe. I know what to do....

• Stop, whatever I was doing to aggravate it. I simply sat down on the couch tho, hhmm?
• Tell someone. Go in and communicate to Ric how I'm feeling, how much has come up, and continue monitoring the amount. (If it reaches one ounce, immediate hospital attention is required.)
• Make a quick mental note of everything you'd need to pack for your son and a few trusted friends who wouldn't mind you interrupting their nights sleep to take your son. Lindsay...Jodi...
• Text a CF buddy, mentor and/or peer for any other suggestions or advice.
•  Really this text, it's for moral support - I need to talk to somebody who's been through this. Who knows how I'm feeling mentally, emotionally and physically. Somebody to comfort me, help me get through this moment.
• Ice water. Emilee just suggested this tonight, start drinking to help induce vasoconstriction.....Got it.

I climb in bed next to Ric. I want to be by him. Dixie cup in my hand. Pillows propped behind my back, I'm sitting up. I need to be. Every cough brings only frank bloo, no phlegm. I felt "the bubble"* in my mid back. I know where the bleed is coming from. I can feel the irritation. I begin praying.

I wake up the next morning. I'm alive, the bleeding stopped at some point in the night, I'm not sure when, but it did.

The cup is still in my hand, I rise, walk to the trash, toss it in and move on with the start of a fresh new day.

Xx, M 

* 'the bubble' is the term my CF friends and I use to describe the feeling when the bleed begins. Honestly, I don't know if it's the physical feeling of a blood vessel bursting, or what. The only thing I can say, if you've felt it, then you know "bubble" is the perfect way to describe it. 

Oh, yeah....here's the link to the wreath I promised to post:

Nearly Natural 4773 Olive Wreath, 20-Inch, Green

I FOUND A LITTLE GEM

The Gem Studio - it's the smallest little treasure, with the very biggest heart.

Located in Provo, UT they reach far beyond those boundaries. I was seriously stoked when I found out about them. I flew up from Arizona (no, I wan't paid) to get behind what they were doing and participate.

Mat is a man with heart. A heart of gold, a heart of compassion. His compassion began years ago when he worked doing wilderness therapy and outdoor behavioral care, at the non-profit Anasazi Foundation. His love of Native Americans, their jewelry, and culture quickly followed.

Mat began making his own turquoise jewelry during college. Word spread of his skills and intrigued others to stop by and see what he was doing. He began teaching the art of silversmithing - on his bedroom floor - to friends, neighbors and strangers alike. Fast forward and the idea of The Gem Studio, became more than an idea. As his first project in construction HE renovated an old grungy garage, and, turned it into a beautiful, quaint silversmithing studio.

Keeping up with his charitable reputation, three years ago Mat founded and built an orphanage in Uganda. He teaches people how to save money and start small businesses.  To practice what he preaches; profits from The Gem Studio go to the orphanage to fund the classes, uniforms, supplies, water, food, etcetera. How inspiring is The Gem Studio mantra; "Learn a skill  //  Build an orphanage." 

Click here to see the video

ANYWAY, I had a GNO with my friend Lexi, and we spent the evening crafting our rings with Mat. Not only did WE have a fun time, Mat and Jake are awesome instructors and totally make you feel 100% capable of doing an extreme DIY on your first try. They are there to guide every step & answer each question (or 1,000 questions 😜). They really want YOU to do it all and feel proud. I'd be lying if I said I didn't walk out with a big grin and giving myself a pat on the back --  if you know me, you KNOW I ain't no 'Pinterest Mom' or crafter. I've always thought, 'why make it, if I can buy it?' 
But this, THIS, is so different. I had the time of my life.

I created a silver ring with turquoise stone, while Lexi crafted a brass with turquoise.

Ladies schedule this for your next GNO, or birthday bash. I also couldn't help thinking how fun this would be for a bachelorette party, or a bonding experience with your sibling, in-laws, or that new friend you met.

Men, this isn't just for women. I saw some dope men's rings constructed, and Ric's response when I came home, "That's sick! I want to go make something." This is the perfect date night for that special someone you've been wanting to impress. If a ring ain't yo thang -- make yourself a hip bolo tie or duplicate Ric's idea; make a belt buckle 😎 ....maybe I really should have taken Ric for our date night?

DM @the.gemstudio on instagram to book a slot and enjoy the process of creativity during your intimate 'custom ring making session'.

Xx, M

WHY 'SHERMAN ARMY?'

If it takes a village to raise a child, then it sure as heck takes an army to raise a child with a terminal illness. 

There is no way around it - unplanned doctor visits, constant medications, staying on top of refills, medical bills, treatments, long stays at the hospital.

Growing up my family was my army. My extended family, my army. Our family-friends, my army. 

As I grew up and started my own family and moved away, I knew I needed to expand and even grow my own army. An army of friends who, although may not understand fully the life I live but support me.

Unfortunately, living with a terminal illness doesn't always allow for the time sometimes necessary to build that kind of relationship. Thus, I started my blog, Sherman Army. To raise a flag, to spread awareness, and open my heart to those that want to join.

Sherman Army is here as a place for me to word vomit my feelings, health adventures, and our family life. Here is where I put a segment of me out into the world, hoping to reach somebody going through the same or similar thing. To connect. To build you up. To build me up. 

I want to thank those of you who have been with me from the beginning. You're the original Army; the Captains, Lieutenants, and Generals, who I wouldn't be here without. This was originally a very hard thing for me to do, I was hesitant for many years. I spent nights crying because of fear, fear of not wanting to put myself out there. Fear of the 'haters' on the internet. But as I worked through each of those, and knew there was a greater purpose in this, ShermanArmy.com began to develop.

 For those that have found my journey and joined along the way. I have felt you. You make me stronger - to fight harder. To continue to be brave. For that, I thank you from the bottom of my lungs.

Signing off.

General of your Sherman Army,

Mandie

2016 FAMILY PICTURES

I have a good friend who helped us accomplish Hawke's one year photos & family pictures last summer. I couldn't thank her enough for doing this. I remember as a child a Disney show with Minnie singing 

"Taking pictures is making memories
Catching  little pieces of times 
Making them yours, making them mine. 
Great vacations and celebrations 
Can fade away in a year. 
But when we're making memories, 
Happy days are always here." 

(Full lyrics found here )

Photographs mean so much to my heart. I don't believe you can have too many photos. They capture a sacred moment in time. They hold emotion and memories that will never fade. They are a pause in the hustle and bustle of life. They are a way for you to connect with others and for others to connect with you.

 

 These two boys have my whole, whole heart. They are my world and I love their father-son relationship. I want to bottle up their giggles together.

With having unpredictable health, we do our best to ensure I stay healthy and stable, but heaven forbid anything should happen; my hearts desires are for Ric and Hawke to have an abundance of photos to forever view and be reminded of the beautiful, eternal, little family we have.

Thank you Alanna for sharing your talents with our family.