Aug 22 - September 27
Five
weeks, one day. I've been in the hospital. Yes, I was out for three days at
some point in there, but it all seems a blur. I am grateful to be physically
better, but I am more excited to go home and start some emotional healing. It
is hard being away. It is hard on a marriage. It is hard on a child. It is hard
on my mental well being. I can't wait to go back to "ordinary".
"Life
is amazing. And then its awful.
And
then it's amazing again.
And
inbetween the amazing and the awful, it's ordinary and mundane and routine.
Breathe
in the amazing,
hold
on through the awful,
and
relax and exhale during the ordinary.
That's
just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful ordinary life.
And
it's breathtakingly beautiful.
-L.R.
Knost
I
was readmitted three days after my last hospital stay to the Intensive Care
Unit at the U of U hospital. I had taken a quick turn for the worst and
presented with new symptoms. Severe body pain - muscle pain, joint pain, bone
pain. Nausea, 103.9 fever, chills - so intense my sister had to physically wrap
herself around me and hold me so they could draw blood. I've been poked 21
times in the last 18 days, one arterial line, two IV's, one midline, and one
Internal Jugular line. It turns out the Epstein-Barr Virus attacked and jumped
to my bone marrow (que the bone pain). It dropped my blood pressure to 95/35
(120/80 normal blood pressure) & my white blood cell count to 0.49 (10,000
normal count). Yes, 0.49 it completely and utterly wiped out my entire immune
system.
I've
used a bed pan, been bathed by strangers, gained and lost 23 pounds of fluid
weight and atrophy of my muscles. I've been so scared, so exhausted, and so
grateful.
My
family and I have been completely blessed throughout this entire process. Our
Arizona friends and family taking care of my husband. Inviting him over to play
with their babies and making him a "sack lunch" on his first day back
to school - they took direct instructions on how I would prepare his sandwich,
just so it might feel like we were there with him. Keeping his fridge/pantry
stocked so he didn't feel lost without food.
To
our neighbors, ward and family members who babysat and cared for Hawke as I
would, the last 37 days. Making sure he felt complete love and happiness. Oh,
how I can't thank you enough! These generous people also cared for my siblings, and I. 30+ meals were delivered to them or I, and 10 special acts of service (besides watching Hawke) were provided to lighten the load and burden on their shoulders. Oh, how I am grateful.
This
post wouldn't be complete without thanking my Uncle who came and cared for me
many days and nights as I was struggling with fear and worry. And my dear Mother-in-Law who has been in Utah the same amount of days as I have been in
the hospital. Hurrying here to care for me and be by my side each and every day
(multiple nights as well). I have felt tremendous love. There's just something
about having a mother figure around that brings peace and calming feelings. She
deserves a paycheck just as big as the nurses and aides combined for all the
work she did and help she provided me instead of pressing the "call
light" for their assistance.
'shampoo cap' hair wash
I
graduated from Physical Therapy this last week (meaning I can walk on my own
without oxygen and a stable blood pressure/hear rate). Yesterday the girl that
came in to see me exclaimed, "Wow! look at you! You are doing so much
better, you look so great!" "You may not remember me (I don't). I was
your PT when you were in the ICU. That first day when we were able to get you
to sit on the side of the bed and then stand, for just a few moments. I am so
glad I got to see you again and how well you are doing!" Hearing these
words gave me much hope. Hearing her gratitude reminded me that I needed to
have more gratitude in how much my body has healed in really a quick amount of
time.
You inspire me. I'm sorry you have had these things happen to you. Your story is always full of gratitude and reminds me that I have a lot to be grateful for. I love you.
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ReplyDeleteYou are my hero and we're all still so blessed to have you here with us still and now home ❤️❤️❤️ Love you sissy!!
ReplyDeletefighter.
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