FROM WHERE I'VE COME

Three months ago: 

. consuming a liquid diet because the absence of appetite & being too ill to consume much

. elevated body temperature that it was determined to covered my body in ice packs

."you're scaring us," the phrase uttered from a nurse when I made a request about something I don't even remember. But, I do remember that reply, and probably always will. I appreciate her honesty.

. no real estate on my arms, due to the multitude of lines planted in them

. a catheter placement because of the loss of bladder control

. using a bed pan because of the shortage of strength to move

            -should be noted that the medications and liquids being pumped into my body didn't help these last two entries

. a successful day of physical therapy was sitting up in bed

. ingesting blue slushies --> turning my mouth/lips blue --> & startling more than one person that I may have a hazardous lack of oxygen 

             -this was by mistake, but was so funny to me it made me smile - a nice sensation compared to others consuming these days

. fatigue, yet inability to fall asleep...beeping alarms, opening and closing of doors, bathroom attacks, poking, proddings and tests

. pain

. a successful day of physical therapy was moving to the edge of my bed

. being in a state of wonder

. feeling tremendous love from family and friends

. having a constant companion (thank you Joni my MIL and Uncle John)

. a successful day of physical therapy was having the energy to have someone else wash my hair 

            -an immense amount of love and gratitude was felt as my mother-in-law cleansed and braided my hair

 . complete submission and will to others decisions for me

 . anxiety

 . fear and faith

 . gratitude

Today:

 . diet full of meat and potatoes

 . "you've come so far," from physical therapists

 . scar tissue protruding my veins

 . scaring on my arms and neck

 . bathroom composure

 . living in my (our) own apartment

 . being someone's constant companion

 .caring for myself (& a child)

 . walking

 . running

 . hiking

 . feeling tremendous love from family and friends

 . directing my own decisions

 . energy increasing weekly

 . happiness

 . gratitude

People ask, 'why do things like this have to happen to you?' People have stated, 'bad things always happen to good people.' I appreciate their concern and sincere sympathy. I know I have thought those same things when I hear of others going through hard times. But when I hear these phrases directed towards me, I think, "Why not me? I am no exception or less deserving of trials/illness/ailments then others." "Not everyone may agree that I am a 'good person'." "Something that may be considered 'bad' or 'hard', can also be looked at as, 'something to learn from'." As I've pondered these phrases, it reminds me of a scripture that has taught me repeatedly throughout my life, "I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless I do not know the meaning of all things." This, I can stand and say is true in my own life. I don't know "why" things happen to others or myself, but I do know that I have felt God's love to a great heighth. It might not be immediately during a hard time, it might be several months or years later that I have received clarity and a sense of understanding of "why" something may have happened. I believe these feelings have come because I have reached out to God searching for understanding. 

The virus that attacked my body in August/September is still in my system. It will be lingering through the month of March (six months). Yet, I have seen a rather rapid increase in my well being. I have thought, "Why am I the lucky one to rebound so quickly, when others suffer fatigue and pain the entire six months"? I don't know this yet. Maybe he is giving me a break. Maybe something else is around the corner. I am not where I used to be, on both ends of the spectrum. I am not as strong and filled with the stamina I once had, but I am not as weak and helpless as I so recently was. These things I am grateful for, because it has taught me humility as I have learned to rely further on others. It has taught me patience. It has taught me gratitude for my body and the incredible things it is able to endure and withstand. As well as it's abilities to heal, recover and continue on. I am in awe.

I am grateful for my body. I am grateful for those who selected jobs that require you to see others at their very worst, and still choose to show compassion and care for them. I am grateful for the support system around me - physically and online. I am grateful for parent's who taught me about a Heavenly Father. I am grateful for his loving Spirit that reminds me, I am never alone. I am grateful that this holiday season we all have the opportunity to reflect on the Christ Child and remember the peace he did bring, and has brought to so many. May we follow in his example and be one to bring peace in our families, communities, neighborhoods and in our own little corners of the internet. 

download this tree printable here

Xx, M

#LightTheWorld