Last week I was able to guest post on Two
Sisters & a Story Blog. I was so thrilled when they reached out to me.
Such a wonderful opportunity and I've been able to meet many more friends and
loyal followers for our experience. Thank you, to everyone that is new! If
you'd like to see the full post, I will combine them both at the end of this
post. But I still encourage you to check out there space too - I've eaten many
delicious recipes from
there and they also did a post just barely on a Chemo Kit for
a friend of there's battling cancer. I mean, how thoughtful! These are genuine
ladies with big hearts.
Part II
Fast forward thirteen years and I Marry Mr. ShermanArmy. My true
knight in shining armor. This man came in and swept me off my feet, and has truly been the one thing I've needed ever since. I found myself in such a state of happiness, I didn't want anything to change. I had a partner who helped bring my sunny days to blindingly sunny days. He gave me more purpose to live. Not new purpose, but a deeper purpose. And this is where my vivid nightmares began. I dreamt was dying or had died, but never in my dreams
could I figure out how or why I was dying. These began just a few days after we wed. After a month and a half I told him about them. He expressed he'd been having the same nightmares but hadn't wanted to bring them up
to me. Our dreams were so similar we thought it couldn't be a coincidence and that they must mean something.
I'd been seeing a therapist for quite some time and discussed said nightmares. I learned that
these were real fears manifesting themselves, when I was allowing my
subconscious in. I have no desires to die. This wasn't necessarily a foresight. I just had a new and renewed purpose
for life and all I wanted to do was live this new one. Opposition in all things, right? So of course with my happiness, along came new fears. I was happy with my life before, and the life expectancy was never on my mind. But then once I had a whole new reason to live and love my life, that daunting reality now decided to start bothering me. Go figure.
Fast forward again, after having a child, the life expectancy is such a bother to me.
It's really an annoyance. It's like I can physically feel it poking at the back of my brain. I find myself having an irrational fear
of dying early or dying young. "The life expectancy is 36 years...
Hawke will only been ten by then." I have to make it longer than that. I want to be at his sports games, high school graduation, wedding day. I
want to be there. I, I, I. Me - His Mom. I NEED to be there. I want to be
Hawke's mom forever. I want to be Hawke's only mom.
This fear gives me much anxiety. It is something I'm working
through with the help of my "worry chair" (Do you have one of these? Ask, and I'll tell you all about it) and therapy. (Therapy - my life saver! I can't tell you how strongly I recommend everyone to have their own therapist!)
I was with a group of some of my mom friends and began explaining this fear of dying young or having something
bad happen to me. I thought I was the only
one who felt this way because I had CF and death can be a reality of that.
I was reassured when one of my mom friend's expressed she had the same,
thoughts and fears. (What?!) Fears of dying early and not being there to
raise her children. Fears of leaving her true love. Fears of her spouse finding love if/after she passed away. I was SO comforted to find that emotional hug. I was not
alone! She brought so much relief to me in that moment. She brought something that therapy hadn't yet, & that was finding a friend, who was able to connect with me. One who didn't have CF, a 'normal' mom.
I hope to get back to the point where it really doesn't bother me, but I do feel I'm doing much better and am proud with where I am. I am proud to have been more accepting of my reality, and still being able to battle and live through it.
Quite frankly I'm not sure why this is the blog post I chose to
share with you all today. I had a different direction I was going to take Part II. Maybe there's someone else who needs that
emotional hug, or to know they're not the only one having those same thoughts and
worries? Maybe somebody needs to know about the worry chair? I'm actually really happy with being able to share this. It is a hard topic to discuss, yet I have come to find some relief and comfort with it. I have found hope and continue to work to find that hope when the grey clouds come into my shiny days.
I know my blog posts are for you and
not always for me. Thanks for helping me be vulnerable and share these deep
rooted thoughts. I am grateful for this blogging
world and the connections it creates and lives that can be touched. I have been touched multiple times & am grateful when the author chose to share those experiences.
Thank you for reading my square of sunshine and cloudy days. :)
Xx, M
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life with a terminal illness is... interesting. I remember in
elementary school, it was "cool" that I had cystic fibrosis (CF). I
got to leave class 10 minutes early for lunch to go down to the office to take
my pills (enzymes). I also got to pick a friend to walk with me. I was the fun
kid you wanted to be friends with, in hopes to skip out of class early.
I remember being at a friends house one day and she said she
"didn't take any pills, not even vitamins". Not even vitamins, I
thought?! My child mind couldn't believe it. I thought everybody took pills,
it's so weird that she didn't. I thought she was the different one, not me.
I remember being 12 when I first understood that CF was a
terminal illness. I remember being taken back, mentally and physically. Trying
to soak it in. I had serious questions, 1. Why had my parents never told me? I
trusted them with everything. How could they have kept this a secret? 2.
Terminal? What? No. "I just cough a lot. It's okay, it doesn't mean I'm
going to die."
I went home and confronted my parents, in the same sort of
manner and caution as discussing Santa Clause. A little bit weary, a little bit
unsure, thinking you are right but hoping you aren't.
I remember their answer, "We didn't want to focus on the
terminal part. We will just do everything we can to make sure you're healthy,
taken care of and continue living our lives along the way." It's like I
was just sick, but for a really long time. When you do what you have to to get
better and give yourself a little TLC but you still get up and go to school, go
to work, and get to practice.
Their response was exactly what I needed. I remember almost an
instantaneous switch in my head. Like a light switch being turned and all the
sudden it didn't matter to me anymore that it was terminal. It didnt' matter to
me again. I really only spent probably three whole hours thinking and worrying
about that "fact". I went on living the "normal" life I
knew because to us, this truly was and is normal.
Fast forward thirteen years and I Marry Mr. Sherman Army. My true knight in shining armor. This man came in and swept a damsel in distress off her feet and has truly been the only thing I've ever needed since. I found myself in such a state of happiness, I didn't want anything to change. I had a partner who helped bring my sunny days to blindingly sunny days. He gave me more purpose to live. Not new purpose, but a deeper purpose. And this is where my vivid nightmares began. I dreamt was dying or had died but never in my dreams could I figure out how or why I was dying. I told him about them one night, and he said he'd been having the same nightmares but hadn't wanted to bring them up to me. Our dreams were so similar we thought that can't be a coincidence and that they must mean something.
I'd been seeing a therapist for quite some time and discussed nightmares. I learned that these were real fears manifesting themselves, when I was allowing my subconscious in. I have no desires to die. This wasn't necessarily a foresight. I just had a new and renewed purpose for life and all I wanted to do was live this new one. Opposition in all things, right? I was happy with my life before, and the life expectancy was never on my mind. But then once I had a whole new reason to live and love my life, that daunting reality now decided to start bothering me. Go figure.
Fast forward again, after having a child the life expectancy is such a bother to me. It's really an annoyance. I never thought much about it when I was younger and now I find myself having an irrational fear of dying early or dying young. "The life expectancy is 36 years... Hawke will only been ten by then." I have to make it longer than that. I want to be at his sports games, high school graduation, wedding day. I want to be there. I, I, I. Me. His Mom. I NEED to be there. I want to be Hawke's mom forever. I want to be Hawke's only mom".
This fear gives me much anxiety. It is something I'm working through with the help of my "worry chair" (Do you have one of these? Ask, and I'll tell you all about it) and therapy. (Therapy - my life saver! I can't tell you how strongly I recommend everyone to have their own therapist!)
I was with a group of some of my mom friends and began explaining this fear of dying young or having something bad happen to me. I thought I was the only one who felt this way because I had CF and death can be a reality of that.
I was reassured when one of these other mom friend's expressed she had the same, thoughts, feelings and desires. (What?!) Fears of dying early and not being there to raise her children. Fears of leaving her true love. Fears of her spouse finding love if/after she passed away. I was so comforted to find that emotional hug. I was not alone! She brought so much relief into my life. She brought something that therapy hadn't yet, & that was finding a friend, a "normal" friend who had these fears too.
Quite frankly I'm not sure why this is the blog post I chose to share with you all today. I had a different direction I was going to take Part II. Maybe there's someone else how there who needs that emotional hug, or to know they're not the only one having those same thoughts and worries? Maybe somebody needs to know about the worry chair? I'm actually really happy with being able to share this. It is a hard topic to discuss, yet I have come to find relief and comfort with it. I have found hope and continue to work to find that when the grey clouds come into my shiny days.
I know my blog posts are for you and not always for me. Thanks for helping me be vulnerable and share these deep rooted thoughts. I am grateful for this blogging world and the connections it creates and lives that can be touched. I have been touched multiple times & am grateful the author chose to share her experiences.
Thank you for reading my square of sunshine and cloudy days. :)
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